Bulk Mail: Canada
I am writing to alert you that you do not have an adequate amount of artwork in your home. This means you may be vulnerable to ridicule from a variety of sources - your friends, your neighbours, meter readers, your internet posse who sees your webcam shots with barren walls in the background, your mom, virtually anyone to whom you allow a view into your home! - and once you've been branded a loser, it's difficult to escape your own very public hell.
Without an 'I Love Art!' membership, you'll be forced to create and frame your own artwork, which not only takes time, but could cost you more money in the long run. With our plan, you only pay for the art you buy, not the mistakes you make, and you don't have to do anything. No late night trips to the do it yourself frame shop, no more velvet elvis¹⁰ doodle art, no more bad taste.
Even if you don't have friends who visit, the day may be getting closer when you will. After all, visits from friends happen all the time, from culture to culture, even among men! Every year, 8 out of 10 people talk about art and its impact on your disenfranchisement from your community. It's a documented fact - right now 8 out of 10 people are talking about you and your fridge-cum-living room art.
Because of the urgency, I've arranged an in home art consultation for you, on very favourable terms. First, buy any art valued at over $1000 and we will waive the consultation fee. Secondly, buy any five (5) pieces of art with a total value over $2500 and we guarantee¹ that the letter carrier will stop laughing at you. And if that weren't enough, we will also certify that your home is free from WMDs.
Normally, this sort of protection and aggrandizement would cost a small Swiss fortune, but if you join now you will save $25 off your 'I Love Art' Membership. For everyone, friend, family or otherwise, that you also enrol (membership paid in full) in an 'I Love Art' Membership, we will pay you $10 in special 'I Love Art' currency to be used against future purchases! Plus, you can use² your 'I Love Art' membership card at retailers across³ Canada⁴ to save even more face! Remember, coverage costs what can be measured in pennies⁵ per day. Isn't your peace of mind worth at least that?
Honestly, when you look at all the features available to you, your 'I Love Art' Membership literally⁶ costs you nothing⁷ compared to what you get in return. Look⁸ for travel discounts at participating merchants worldwide.
Please, for the sake of your own personal status, join now! If you do, we'll throw in the 'I'm Not Responsible!!' Card, which you can flip out at parties at your friends' homes, when someone questions the choice of artwork on the bathroom walls. It is guaranteed to exonerate you from all culpability in your friend's bad taste. Should anyone accuse you of artistic interference in your friend's choices, have them call our 1-800 number listed on the back of the card, where we will unashamedly back you up.
Join now! Remember, good taste isn't free. It's essential.®
'I Love Art' Executive
1. Should the Letter Carrier still laugh, we guarantee to get him/her put on the route from hell. Then he/she'll stop laughing.
2. Often, the barcode and/or magnetic strip on the back of our cards can confuse Interac devices, allowing access to accounts not normally under your direct control. This may not be legal in some jurisdictions.
3. Newfoundland, New Brunswick, Nunavut, and New Guinea.
4. We are aware it's not "officially" in Canada, but have "associates" working to change that as we speak.
5. For argument's sake, 100 pennies = 1 CDN. 1000 pennies = 10 CDN.
6. Did we say literally? We meant 'figuratively'.
7. Does not include (our) cost of living adjustments, prescriptions or tobacco.
8. You can look all you want, but you won't find anything outside of #3.
9. It's really a misnomer these days, isn't it? Kind of like the word terrorist. I mean if everyone is a terrorist, the word sort of loses all meaning. If a credit card company charging you 19.75% interest can sign a "Pay Immediately" statement 'Sincerely,' well then in that same spirit, we are being sincere. Definitively.
10. We are sincerely sorry. We thought of this one during the proofing process. Velvet Elvis is a bad idea seven times out of ten. We help you avoid the pitfalls of when and how often. Velvet Conan, on the other hand, is another story.