Saturday, June 27, 2015

The Most Magnificent Things

We happened upon Chittorgarh quite by accident. A train reservation clerk who was maybe new to his job? A computer glitch? Or was it just plain old fate?
Whatever it was that conspired to get us to Chittorgarh bright and early that January morning, to you I say, Thank you.

Here's our story of Chittorgarh. Be patient, there are many pictures to come.

     Given our past experiences in getting on trains, Matthew is understandably nervous, but more contented as we arrive at Bandra Terminus over an hour early. Still, he is Mr. Chit Chat until the train arrives, with wide eyes darting back and forth across the platform, scanning the horizon for any sign. He is visibly relieved when the train pulls up well ahead of departure time. He is visibly annoyed when they tell us we must wait for them to finish cleaning the train before we can get on. We sit with our bags, taking turns checking out the many food stalls up and down the length of the platform. Men come by and stick large sheets of paper on the outside walls of the train car, beside each door. It’s a computer printout listing all the passengers by name for each particular car along with the seat number assigned to them. We are thrilled to see our names listed on the side of a train car in India, like we are now written into history. We are in a class 3A car, meaning three levels of bunks, six people in each berth, air conditioned. These were the only seats available when we reserved them in Aurangabad. 
     As soon as the car is ready for us, we jump on and get to our seats and make ourselves comfortable. We chain our backpacks together underneath one of the seats, keeping out anything we may need for our overnight journey. It’s not long before the train pulls away. As we will be arriving in Udaipur very early in the morning, I ask the man who comes by checking our tickets what time he expects we will be there. He give me a solemn look and says, No Udaipur. This, Ajmer. 
     Now, I’m not a complete idiot. I can see that the ticket reads Ajmer so a little explanation is in order. 


Some seat tickets are held back until all other remaining seats are filled, then made available at a much higher cost (I assume they are most often bought by tourists or businessmen who don’t mind paying a premium for making last minute decisions). Also of note, you must buy these particular tickets for the entire distance that train runs, no matter where you choose to get off along the way. When we bought the tickets and it said Ajmer as our destination, the ticket seller explained the nature of the ticket, and told us that we would be able to get off at Udaipur.
     I continue with my story.
     Yes, I understand that this train goes to Ajmer, I say, but when will we pass through Udaipur? This earns me an even more grave look from ticket man, No Udaipur. Ajmer. He handed back our tickets and moved on to the next compartment. Silence. For the sake of our younger readers, I will just let you imagine the contents of the thought bubble above my head.
     The Indian businessman sitting with us says, Not to worry, this train stops in Chittorgarh and from there it is only two or three hours by bus to Udaipur. We get out our travel guide and look up Chittorgarh, and the first line reads: Chittorgarh contains the greatest fort in Rajasthan and is well worth reshuffling an itinerary for. That sounds promising. Our itinerary is already shuffled, so Chittorgarh it is.
     We arrive very early in the morning, before sunrise. The alarm watch wakes me, I wake Laura, we wake the boys. We all wipe the sleep out of our eyes, and use the bathroom before the train stops in the station. Standing in the aisle with our packs on our backs waiting for the train to come to a complete stop, it looks like we are ready to jump out of a plane.
     We make a soft landing on the Chittorgarh platform and into the waiting arms of a friendly rickshaw driver. We exchange pleasantries as he does his best to sell us on his abilities as a driver and a guide. As dawn begins to break, he walks us over to the station desk where we stow our bags for the morning, then walk out into town. 
     After a quick breakfast we jump into the rickshaw which sputters away, back and forth we go up the hill through seven large gated archways. Speeding along in the open-air rickshaw, the crisp morning air stings our faces just a little bit, just enough to let us know that there is something ahead, something out there worth the chill.
     Our driver, whose name I cannot remember, stops at a small temple, and we begin to explore this unknown place.


     With our feet on the ground, the sun now feels warm, and anything in it's view radiates a welcoming embrace for the road-weary traveller. Meera Temple is small, but decorated with delicate carvings over much of its surface.



     Nearby Vijay Stambha is our next stop, and is more than worth the price of admission (which, incidentally, was free) on its own. Built in the mid-1400's, it stands 120 feet high, and the upper floor, nine stories up, is accessible only by a tiny, tiny staircase, as space is at a bit of a premium. Navigating my 6'2" frame up, and later down, that stairwell was no easy feat, and even months later I was having dreams of getting myself stuck in a similar, but more sinister, set of stairs.
     The inside of this tower has carvings all over, along with a bit of rather elementary graffiti, from the bottom all the way to the top, from where we can see all across this impressive place, perhaps the largest fort in all of India.






    Our driver takes us around from place to place in his rickshaw, telling us as much as he knows about the fort’s fascinating history, and apologizes for his English, explaining that he normally acts as a Hindi guide. Chittorgarh Fort is an imposing place with walls thirteen kilometres in circumference, complete and intact, sitting at the top of a six hundred foot hill on the east side of the town of Chittorgarh. Our guide takes us out an enormous door on the east side of the fort where we have spectacular views over the countryside, and of the massive fort walls.



     Inside the fort are numerous temples, palaces, and of course, monkeys. There is even a school in the fort as there are around four thousand people living in the town within the walls. 

Nearby, a man makes a whistling sound and a number of monkeys gather. They follow him in silence as he casually tosses bits of food to them all. 



It’s a magnificent morning and we feel quite fortunate to have stumbled across this place that we hadn’t even heard about until  fifteen hours ago. Being so early in the morning, there are very few people here, probably because they got on the ‘right’ train out of Mumbai. A real pity, because this place is brilliant.





     The kids have a wonderful time exploring everything, and now have memories of this incredible place because somehow (and I'm not blaming anyone here!), we got on the wrong train leaving Mumbai the previous afternoon.


     After three hours of uninterrupted bliss, we make our way back down the hill, back through those seven large gateways who along with our guide, are among the only witnesses to our morning visit to the fort. 



     No stinging faces now as the sun is high in the sky, the air getting thicker by the minute, but in that lovely India way that makes you feel like you're being held by the country itself.


Here's my painting titled The Wrong Train, a door from one of the temples inside the fort.



Thursday, June 25, 2015

Free Book??

Well, progress is as progress does.
You can now follow me on Twitter at https://twitter.com/275days or on Facebook at https://www.facebook.com/275Days.
If you're bored stiff and need something to keep you awake, or maybe put you to sleep, you can keep reading this blog.

And if all that weren't enough, there's still the website, http://275days.com.

Oh, almost forgot, I'm now on Goodreads as well, so you can check me out here, https://www.goodreads.com/author/show/13980348.Reymond_Page
There you can read some of my book reviews, read some excerpts from my book, and if you're in desperate need of free stuff, sign up for the book giveaway for a chance to get my book for free. For real! I even pay the shipping; at least, that's what Goodreads tells me.

Speaking of books, if you didn't catch it above, my book, The Great Year - India Edition is now available. You can get it in two versions, the Budget Traveller version or the Midrange Traveller version. The books are identical in content but the Midrange uses higher quality printing.
Watch the book trailer here (it really is a must see, I think someone said that):



and learn more about the book here: http://275days.com/greatyearmain.html

Now after all that excitement, before you rush off to buy the Budget version, if you live in or around Winnipeg, I'm here to tell you that my publisher is having a sale right now, so I can get books at a bit of a discount. 
So I'm going to order as many Midrange Traveller books as they can fit in a box that's big enough to fit all the orders I get in the next four days. Normally the book is $34.99 plus shipping (which is about ten bucks for one book), but if you act now (and by now, I mean before Monday) you can get the book for $33.00, shipping included! That's a 25.5% savings! Any more savings than that and I would run out of exclamation points on my keyboard!!::... See? It's already happened. 

So, to recap: if you want a book at the low low price of $33.00 and you live in or near the city, shoot me an email, (or send me a tweet, or message me on Facebook (you can try and contact me at Goodreads but I have no idea how the message system works there, so don't try that)), and I will put you down for a Midrange Traveller copy. 
Shipping takes close to two weeks so I will respond to let you know I received your order, and again when the book comes in.

And remember, you can now reach me here:

This has been a very word heavy post, so, pictures!

A two page spread from the book.

Note: All imagery is footnoted in a photo glossary at the back of the book.


Wednesday, June 24, 2015

What Does it Take?

I'm biking home yesterday, and I stop at a light (Grant and Harrow, for all you Winnipeggers).
I have a bike lane, so I pull up to thefront. First three cars, the drivers are all texting. First car? A mom texting, kid in a car seat in the back, looking at an iPad.
Are that many people still doing that? Is it getting worse?

Saw a couple women today pushing strollers absent-mindedly, while looking intently at their phones. Kids are going to be messed up if parents look at their phones more than their infant child.

Unrelated to texting, but today in a car park, I pass a car where a parent is dealing with stuff in the hatch while their child introduces their car doors to the car beside them. Parent didn't even look up.

Not sure why I'm so irritable today. I think seeing so many people texting in three thousand pound vehicles while I'm on a bike put me in a sour state of mind.

Maybe one of these days I'll have to join the crowd and get a smart phone so I'll have another reason to go for a drive.

http://mobilesyrup.com/2015/02/07/caa-90-of-canadians-agree-texting-while-driving-is-socially-unacceptable/

What are the other 10% thinking, I wonder?

Tuesday, June 23, 2015

Pecha Kucha Presentation

Back in December, I gave a talk at Pecha Kucha night at the Park Theatre in Winnipeg. If you are unfamiliar with Pecha Kucha, it's a format where ten or twelve people are invited to speak, usually around a given theme. An individual can have twenty slides to go along with their talk, and their talk can only be six minutes and forty seconds long, so twenty seconds per slide. The talk can focus on the content of the images, or not; follow the imagery, or not. But once you start, don't stop. You've only got 400 seconds.

It was a little nerve-wracking, with the spotlights shining down, standing up on stage above the audience, but it was a great experience.
Here's the talk I gave.




A number of years ago when our kids Jonas and Matthew were very little, my wife Laura and I had an inkling that things wouldn't always be this way, that these little boys wouldn't always want to hold our hands when we crossed the street, wouldn't always ask for another story, and correct me whenever I fell asleep and muttered something incomprehensible.



A few years later when our kids were older we decided to do something a little bit different. We knew full well that pushing into our 40s, our good health was not something we could or should take for granted, and that if we waited until retirement to do the kind of travelling we really wanted to do, well, who knows? Both of our fathers developed conditions that eventually made it impossible for them to travel more than a few blocks from home.



So what we decided to do was take a year off and just go. Away, far from here. The only real stipulation was that we wanted to see something that was decidedly not North American. And we wanted to do it as a family.
A bit of Europe, then the Middle East, India, and Southeast Asia.



Now this was a bit of a stretch for me as I was a stay at home dad and freelance artist, two things that in combination can quickly turn you into a bit of a recluse. I stuck to home, fed the boys, played lots of ball hockey, and drew pictures like these. The kind of drawings that you fuss over for hours and hours
But I eventually came to realize that this trip was something that couldn't be passed up. To travel as a family, sure, lots of cool places, yup, and as an artist, boy, what an opportunity to build the reference library of all reference libraries. 



Seeing as we'd be staying in budget hotels (at best) the entire trip, I checked out what the Lonely Planet guidebook considered a budget hotel in Winnipeg. Well, the first one listed in the Lonely Planet was the Royal Albert….
Now the benefit of staying at the Royal Albert is one, that you're right in the middle of the action, so you're going to see the city at work. And two you are unlikely to get lost in the comforts of the Royal Albert and are much more likely to get out and see the city.



From our usually crappy but comfortable and friendly hotel we ventured out and saw some pretty awesome things, and my sons managed to pick up a tiny souvenir from just about every one of them.



Sometimes we splurged, like spending 12 dollars a night for our hotel in Agra that from the rooftop had a rather captivating view of the Taj Mahal.  Sometimes we had to spend a little more and venture a little further to see a place like Termessos, north of Antalya Turkey. 



People often ask what was my favourite place, and for simple eye popping splendour, I'd have to say Angkor in Cambodia. Our kids had the time of their lives exploring all the nooks and crannies of the temples, and it was a place that reminded me of our place in the Earth's natural environment. 



Also getting out of your hotel and exploring the city you will meet a lot of friendly and inviting people. They will want to share stories and ideas, ask if you are married, how much your camera cost, how much money you make.



One of the great joys of travelling throughout India was that everyone wanted a picture with us, in part because we were clearly tourists, and I think also because one of these tourists had blond hair. My favourite of those experiences came courtesy of some Indian hipsters in the city of Aurangabad, the picture in the middle. These four friends each had their photo taken with Laura and the boys, so when I walked up and asked one of them if he could take a family photo for us, he said, "Oh, no problem sir," handed my camera to his buddy, and wrapped his arms around Jonas and Matthew, smiling for the photo.



We took short holidays within our trip, as long term travel can be fatiguing if you actually want to get out and you know, do stuff. For whatever reason our holidays were usually beach holidays interspersed throughout that year- a couple weeks on a quiet Greek Island, Christmas and New Years in Gokarna on the Arabian Sea, spring break on the South China Sea coast. It was a wonderful way to recharge before heading back into a regular pattern of movement.



Given that we spent 2 weeks in Syria, I feel compelled to say that
Syria is, without a doubt, home to some of the friendliest people on the planet. We were greeted constantly by teens and seniors alike, Welcome to Syria! Hand shakes from men, quiet greetings to my wife from shy young women, a kiss from a young man who found Jonas's blond hair to be a marvel, conversations with Iranians in the Damascus souk, I could go on and on.



Syria is also home to some very impressive Roman era cities. Apamea, two kilometres of pillars along an impressive colonnade, and Palmyra where a temple is said to have existed for two thousand years before the Romans arrived.



As the trip progressed, I began to look at my photos in a new way. I recognized that some of them were just beautiful and interesting in their own right, whereas others I knew the moment I looked through the viewfinder that a certain image would make a great drawing. 



And then there were times when I was beginning to see something completely different, and I think it was opening myself up, to travel and seeing the world, that allowed me to start to see things in a new way. I also understood that if I were to try and draw everything, I'd need 50 lifetimes.



What helped move this sort of thinking forward were a number of little lessons learned along the way, like seeing people on the road to Luang Prabang in Laos, incredible scenery as we raced along the edges of small mountains, and here were these folks relaxing on the edge of the cliff outside their thatched roof homes, enjoying the beautiful view, seeing it for what it is now, not dismissing it because it's been there every day.



This trip was no doubt full of spectacular moments and wondrous images. I was amassing a vast catalogue of door photos, a representation of all that this trip was giving us. The unique nature of each door reminding me of a moment in time, a place on our travels that is still distinctly ours, but is undeniably there for everyone.



Looking with this sort of vision was not a natural thing for me, as I could quite accurately be called a glass half empty sort of guy about some things. But this trip helped me to reconnect with my more immediate surroundings and see them in a way that might not otherwise have been possible.



Perhaps the biggest benefit of long term travel is how the stress of life just kind of melts away. All the difficulties, the busyness, the obligations of home, they're all gone, and they are replaced by something entirely different. So now you're this person with no agenda, and you can simply re-envision yourself as the person you most want to be. That's sort of the ideal but there is some truth to it, if you open your heart to the world around you.



A few years before we went away, I would have thought that what we did was impossible. Two kids at home, a mortgage, jobs, we were about as entrenched as it gets. A few years after, I see it almost as a necessity. 
If you want to see the world, do it now. Don't say, "As soon as I get this or that thing done, then I will go…" There's always a million things that could get done. Do what you want first, and you'll probably find that most of those other things get done along the way.

Don't wait for that promotion, until you get married, until you have kids, the kids are older, or you're retired and think you'll have all the time in the world. All the time in the world is right now and there's a beautiful world out there waiting for you to come and find it.




Wednesday, June 17, 2015

Found Findery

Found a really cool internet place called Findery last week.
Basically a sticky-note layered over Google Maps, allowing anyone to leave notes at virtual locations all over the world. Want to tell people about that awesome beach in that awesome town on the awesome Arabian Sea? Leave a note and a photo to tell your story.
There are loads of notes from loads of people (including me) about loads of places all over the...place.
Check it out, and start with me.
https://findery.com/275days

Monday, July 14, 2014

Krak des Chevaliers Tour



We get going around 8:30 for the one and a half hour drive to 'The Krak'. Our driver Hassam doesn't speak much English but seems really nice, and it's here we get a real lesson in how driving in Syria works. Hassam is a real pro, but is not aggressive or unduly dangerous so that's good. If you are coming up beside someone and are going to pass, you give a tap on the horn so that they know you are there. If you are merging at high speed, you judge where you are going to fit into the flow of traffic and go for it no matter what. If you see someone walking with their back to you on the road, you give them a tap on the horn so that they know to look out.  I don't think we have to stop even once on the way there, as the roundabout system really works if you know what you are doing. Oh, and very few people use their lights here until it is absolutely necessary, like as in dark.
So, Krak des Chevaliers is a very cool old castle from around the 1100's. It's big and complete and a fascinating place for all of us to explore. Lots of nooks and crannies, great views, and crazy winds up top.









The only downside was that it was a bit cool and very windy and cloudy, but that sort of added to the experience I guess. What wasn't adding to the experience was the feeling in my stomach, so lunch today in another spectacular location, directly across the road from the castle, is less exciting. Matthew is not feeling well either, so he and I merely push the food around in our plates before giving up.
The typical Krak tour includes a couple other stops so we drive north to Misyaf, another castle. Coming out of the hills, the sky completely clears up, and we step out of the car at Misyaf to crystalline blue skies. 


We have the option to carry on to Apamea, so we look around just long enough to be polite (and find and use the rest room), then jump in the car and drive north. From the pictures at the Riad Hotel, Apamea looked like one of those places you shouldn't miss. Misyaf might have been one of those places had we not just seen Krak des Chevaliers.
As we arrive at Apamea, we can see the remains of the massive walls that once surrounded this city, but it's obvious from a distance how impressive this place is. Columns. Lots and lots of columns. Hassam drops us off at the entrance and explains that we walk through and he will be waiting for us on the other side. He points west and says, "You walk, I wait other side."
Got it.
We go to the ticket booth and it takes a few seconds for the guy to look up at us. 

Note the rather unassuming ticket booth on the left.


"Oh!" he almost jumps when he notices us. He looks surprised to see anyone out here but recovers quickly and gives us a big smile.
"How much?" we ask.
"Where are you from?"
"Canada."
"Ah, Canada Dry (a joke that still elicits a smile from us because he says it like we could not have possibly heard it before (not remotely true))!. Welcome here! Kids are free, so 300 pounds," or six dollars. Another guy comes out of the booth and tries to sell us some postcards. "150 pounds," he says, and I'm fairly certain that's the only English he knows. I ask the guy behind the counter, with a bit of a smile, if that's a good price.
He says, "Yes, that's a good price." Then he talks to post card man for a bit, and then says, "100 pounds, that is a very good price."
We could get 20 cards in Rome for one Euro, but the museum that houses the mosaics on these cards is closed already so we pay him.
He wishes us well and we walk in to the site. A delightfully diligent arch greets us, 


I take picture after picture, and Jonas says, "Uh, Papa." I don't immediately respond. "Papa, I think you should take a look at this." When I turn, something catches in my throat as I look at my family, standing awestruck before two kilometres of pillars lining what was once Apamea's main street.





The city of Apamea was founded in the 2nd century BC and prospered for many centuries. It was apparently flattened by an earthquake in the 1100's. What remains, and what has been restored (I think) is pretty amazing. Two and a half kilometres of columns along what was once the main road. The afternoon light is magical and for the first few minutes we are the only ones here, other than these guys racing around on dirt bikes who pull up and try to sell you things like the ancient coins, more postcards, stamps and other things. They are persistent, but not outrageously so. One of the guys keeps pointing things out to us. There is the basilica, Roman houses, don't miss that, look at this, etc. Thanks, thanks.
Both Matthew and I are starting to succumb to the effects of an overdue shwarma from the Hama bus station so we just try to keep moving, but we still walk for an hour through the columns. 









We reach the end, the sun is setting, and Hassam greets us and drives us home, pointing out a few more interesting things on the way. There are a number of Bedouins who are living in tents very near to the highway and within spitting distance of the nearest town. It's not exactly the romantic image I had in mind when thinking of the Bedouin lifestyle.
It's been a wonderful and fascinating day, but now I am ready for bed. As we pull up to the hotel, Matthew quips, "Wouldn't it be funny if I threw up in the car?" Hilarious. We come inside, Laura greets Abdullah, the proprietor, but I carry on because I need to lie down. I fiddle with the keys for a moment, unlock and open the door and Matthew walks straight to the bathroom and from the doorway vomits directly into the toilet without having said a word like, "Hurry!" or "Quick!" or "I am feeling a little nauseous, could you open the door right away and let me inside?" I am thinking of a book entitled '101 Good Reasons to Leave the Toilet Seat Up'. So far I have one entry.
Matthew and I are not interested in food this evening so Laura goes out and gets some felafels and bananas and brings them back for her and Jonas. We watch some stupid television show, then call it a night.

Thursday, June 12, 2014

Royal Museum of Luang Prabang, Laos

Here's a story from our travels with a bit of a Portage connection.


April 9th
Luang Prabang

We spent an hour this morning after breakfast (Scandinavian Bakery, Luang Prabang Division) looking for another place to stay as the nice young fellow at our place told us they are fully booked starting on the 11th because of the New Year holiday. We look at almost a dozen before finally finding one that has a room available, so we'll move there on that day. It's not nearly as nice, and doesn't have air conditioning, but it does have a room available. 
Funny story. We check out a place a bit earlier, and he has a room available but it's $45 per night - cheap by European standards, but expensive for us here. It's a fabulous room though, large with four comfy beds and a nice area to lounge in with a low table and cushions. We decide to treat ourselves and will take it for a couple of nights. On the way out, after paying a deposit, the guy says, Oh, and we are booked on the 12th so this room is not available. But you just booked us in for the 11th and the 12th. Yes. So we can stay in that room. Yes, on the 11th, but not the 12th. But you just booked us for the 11th and 12th. Yes, I forget.....pause. Well, give us our money back then. Okay, can I see your receipt? Give me the money now, then you'll get your receipt, joker. 
That's pretty funny, isn't it? Usually it's hard to be funny when it's 40 degrees outside, but this guy makes it seem so easy.
Okay, so we eventually find a room, then go get a fruit shake and cool off in our air conditioned room. After lunch we were off to the Royal Palace Museum which was interesting in its lack of opulence, given that it is a Royal Palace and all. The highlight of the visit for us was the room containing all the gifts from other nations to the monarchy, back in the 70's, 1975 I think. The silver articles from Cambodia were numerous enough to fill a large china cabinet. From India, loads of ivory items and a large silver disc bearing a number of Hindu images. The USA had a similar amount of things, including a ridiculously hideous model of the moon lander, but also a piece of the moon on a plaque bearing Richard Nixon's name. Just goes to show that it doesn't matter how much money and power you have, it still can't buy you a personality that the rest of the world can live with. 
It also goes to show how history continues to repeat itself.
China had given, among other things, the most gorgeous ivory balls that had carved ivory balls inside. The largest was made up of 22 balls, all carved, all moveable, all progressively smaller inside one another. Amazing.
Denmark gave some nice stuff, Australia a boomerang, and some smart gold containers.
Canada's gift to the monarchy? A Mayfair plate. Seetusee glass, I think we call it. 
Maybe that's only funny to Portagers, I don't know, but it was sure funny to us. Laugh out loud funny, in fact. So loud that the museum attendant came over to make sure we weren't up to something sinister.
We pointed to the plate and said that as beautiful as that plate was, we might have to go out and get something else to add to Canada's contribution.
A seetusee plate in Laos. Awesome.
After that we walked down the river to Wat Xieng Thong and had a look around. Then we just wandered around the town, occasionally getting sprayed or doused with water. Earlier in the day, Matthew made a squirter out of his water bottle by cutting a hole in the cap. One group of twenty year old guys approached Matthew, motioning that they were going to spray him and Matthew squirted the main assailant in the face and ran before the guy could get him. He and all his friends laughed at Matthew's sneakiness. We pretended we were not associated with Matthew in any way.
Supper at a nice riverside place but Laura ordered a papaya salad that was short on papaya and long on hot. Inedible hot. I gave it my best, but was easily defeated.
Then a walk though part of the night market, and then back to the room to relax a bit before bedtime. Our TV has some awful but addictive games on it so we play for a while before getting to sleep.

Saturday, January 25, 2014

I Love Art Membership Drive


Bulk Mail: Canada


Dear Resident,
I am writing to alert you that you do not have an adequate amount of artwork in your home. This means you may be vulnerable to ridicule from a variety of sources - your friends, your neighbours, meter readers, your internet posse who sees your webcam shots with barren walls in the background, your mom, virtually anyone to whom you allow a view into your home! - and once you've been branded a loser, it's difficult to escape your own very public hell.

Without an 'I Love Art!' membership, you'll be forced to create and frame your own artwork, which not only takes time, but could cost you more money in the long run. With our plan, you only pay for the art you buy, not the mistakes you make, and you don't have to do anything. No late night trips to the do it yourself frame shop, no more velvet elvis¹⁰ doodle art, no more bad taste.


Sample art from the I Love Art Collection


Even if you don't have friends who visit, the day may be getting closer when you will. After all, visits from friends happen all the time, from culture to culture, even among men! Every year, 8 out of 10 people talk about art and its impact on your disenfranchisement from your community. It's a documented fact - right now 8 out of 10 people are talking about you and your fridge-cum-living room art.

Because of the urgency, I've arranged an in home art consultation for you, on very favourable terms. First, buy any art valued at over $1000 and we will waive the consultation fee. Secondly, buy any five (5) pieces of art with a total value over $2500 and we guarantee¹ that the letter carrier will stop laughing at you. And if that weren't enough, we will also certify that your home is free from WMDs. 

Normally, this sort of protection and aggrandizement would cost a small Swiss fortune, but if you join now you will save $25 off your 'I Love Art' Membership. For everyone, friend, family or otherwise, that you also enrol (membership paid in full) in an 'I Love Art' Membership, we will pay you $10 in special 'I Love Art' currency to be used against future purchases! Plus, you can use² your 'I Love Art' membership card at retailers across³ Canada⁴ to save even more face! Remember, coverage costs what can be measured in pennies⁵ per day. Isn't your peace of mind worth at least that?

Honestly, when you look at all the features available to you, your 'I Love Art' Membership literally⁶ costs you nothing⁷ compared to what you get in return. Look⁸ for travel discounts at participating merchants worldwide.

Please, for the sake of your own personal status, join now! If you do, we'll throw in the 'I'm Not Responsible!!' Card, which you can flip out at parties at your friends' homes, when someone questions the choice of artwork on the bathroom walls. It is guaranteed to exonerate you from all culpability in your friend's bad taste. Should anyone accuse you of artistic interference in your friend's choices, have them call our 1-800 number listed on the back of the card, where we will unashamedly back you up.

Join now! Remember, good taste isn't free. It's essential.®

Sincerely,⁹

'I Love Art' Executive

1. Should the Letter Carrier still laugh, we guarantee to get him/her put on the route from hell. Then he/she'll stop laughing.
2. Often, the barcode and/or magnetic strip on the back of our cards can confuse Interac devices, allowing access to accounts not normally under your direct control. This may not be legal in some jurisdictions.
3. Newfoundland, New Brunswick, Nunavut, and New Guinea.
4. We are aware it's not "officially" in Canada, but have "associates" working to change that as we speak.
5. For argument's sake, 100 pennies = 1 CDN. 1000 pennies = 10 CDN.
6. Did we say literally? We meant 'figuratively'.
7. Does not include (our) cost of living adjustments, prescriptions or tobacco.
8. You can look all you want, but you won't find anything outside of #3.
9. It's really a misnomer these days, isn't it? Kind of like the word terrorist. I mean if everyone is a terrorist, the word sort of loses all meaning. If a credit card company charging you 19.75% interest can sign a "Pay Immediately" statement 'Sincerely,' well then in that same spirit, we are being sincere. Definitively.
10. We are sincerely sorry. We thought of this one during the proofing process. Velvet Elvis is a bad idea seven times out of ten. We help you avoid the pitfalls of when and how often. Velvet Conan, on the other hand, is another story.